How to be the best guest at a wedding
Reply on time, dress right, arrive early, join in and know when to go home. How to be the guest every couple hopes for, from the invitation to the thank-you note.
A wedding is the one day when being a good guest really matters. The couple have spent months planning it and a good deal of money hosting you. The best guests make their day easier: they reply on time, dress right, turn up early, join in, and know when to go home.
Here is how to be the guest every couple hopes for, from the invitation to the thank-you note.
The invitation
- Reply quickly, ideally within a day or two and certainly by the date asked. Couples need numbers for caterers and seating plans, and chasing late replies is a miserable job.
- Only bring who is invited. The names on the envelope are the guest list. Don’t ask to bring a partner, a friend or children unless the invitation includes them.
- Mention dietary needs when you reply, not on the day.
- If you can’t go, say so warmly and promptly, and still consider sending a card and a gift.
Decoding the dress code
| The invitation says | What to wear |
|---|---|
| Morning dress | Morning coat, waistcoat, striped or checked trousers, shirt and tie. Usually hired, unless you attend these often. |
| Black tie | Dinner suit, white dress shirt, black bow tie, black shoes. Usually for evening weddings. |
| Lounge suit, or no dress code | A suit and tie. Navy, grey or a lighter colour in summer; not black, which can look funereal by day. |
| Smart casual | A jacket and trousers, shirt, tie optional. When in doubt, err smarter. |
Whatever the code, don’t try to outshine the groom and his party, and avoid anything that looks like part of the wedding party’s outfits. Check the venue and season too: a country wedding in a field calls for shoes you can walk on grass in. Our guide to the five suits every man needs covers what to have in your wardrobe.
The gift
If the couple have a gift list, use it: it is there because it tells you exactly what they want. If they have asked for contributions to a honeymoon or a cause instead, respect that too. Spend what you are comfortable with; no couple worth knowing measures friends by the size of the gift. Send it beforehand or use the list’s delivery rather than bringing a large present to the venue, and always include a card with a personal line.
On the day
- Arrive early. Aim to be seated at least fifteen minutes before the ceremony. Walking in behind the bride is unforgivable.
- Phone off for the ceremony, not just silent. If the couple have asked for an “unplugged” wedding, keep it away all day, and never step in front of the official photographer.
- Don’t post before the couple do. Let them share the first pictures of their day.
- Sit where you are put. The seating plan took longer than you think. Talk to the people either side of you, especially strangers.
- Listen to the speeches. Stop talking, put the glass down, laugh in the right places.
- Get up and dance, at least once. Empty dance floors worry couples.
- Look after people. Introduce the person who knows no one, find a chair for an older guest, check the elderly relative has a lift home.
Drink and the end of the night
Weddings are long, and the bar often opens at noon. Pace yourself: water between drinks, food when it is offered. Nobody remembers the guest who was slightly too sober; everyone remembers the one who wasn’t. Plan your journey home before you arrive, and say goodbye to the couple, or to their parents if the couple are busy, before you leave.
Nobody remembers the guest who was slightly too sober.
Afterwards
Send a short note or message to the couple, and to their parents if they hosted, within a few days, saying what you enjoyed. It takes five minutes and it is the detail people remember.
Questions people ask
Can I bring a plus-one?
Only if the invitation says so. If it is addressed to you alone, come alone, and don’t ask.
How much should I spend on a wedding gift?
What you can comfortably afford, guided by how close you are to the couple. A thoughtful gift from the list, or a heartfelt card, is always enough.
Can I wear a black suit to a wedding?
It is not wrong, but navy or grey looks better by day and avoids any funeral overtones. Black tie in the evening is a different matter, and black is exactly right there.
How we wrote this: this guide follows broadly British wedding customs. Every couple and culture is different, so always follow what the invitation and the couple ask.
